Thursday, January 12, 2006

For Immediate Release

TORONTO - (CP): Paul Martin upped the rhetoric today, promising to implement a national ban on lightsabers. This follows recent policy announcements by the Liberals to ban (already banned) handguns, as well as to ban weapons in space.

"This is another example of the fundamental differences between myself and Stephen Harper." said the Prime Minister in front of a mostly partisan crowd in Toronto Centre. "It is the role of the Prime Minister of this country to ban lightsabers."

Martin left abruptly when asked if this ban would require the use of the notwithstanding clause over fears it would infringe on the religious rights of Jedi.


UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that Kinny's Comments broke this story long before I did. I was unaware of this, but it clearly offers yet more proof of a Liberal mole, if Kinny had this story so long ago.

50 Comments:

  • Martin should be banning snowballs. Banning lightsabers and hand guns and weapons from outer space? What a waste of time. Snowballs are clearly the greatest threat.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:47 PM  

  • It's a good thing I put my lightsaber together myself like a real Jedi. Therefore it's not registered so they won't know I have it when they try to take them all away...

    But then again...if we're talking real geek here: Since to become a Jedi Knight you have to put together your own lightsaber, no one could keep track of them...unless of course you had a list of Jedi's in the world.

    Well you know what I mean lol...and I know what you mean: our Canadian politics are a joke!

    By Blogger Paulish, at 12:49 PM  

  • Hey CG:

    Under the Liberal platform could I keep my Phazer if I promise to keep it on Stun?

    Cptn Jean Luc Picard,
    USS Enterprise

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:56 PM  

  • What about Romulan cloaking devices? It's not really a weapon is it?

    Commander Worf

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:58 PM  

  • What about weapons in the Stratosphere? Above the clouds but below outer space? The Liberal platform is loaded with loopholes.

    Lando Calrissian,
    Sky City

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:01 PM  

  • In Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith, didn't Senator Palpatine gain control of the sentate to become Emperor by abolishing the Notwithstanding clause? And that is what sparked the rebelion and intergalactic war?

    Martin = Emperor

    Makes one think, doesn't it?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:12 PM  

  • I would go further in banning George Lucas from entering Canada. I also have it on good authority that gangs are targeting Star Wars conventions as a means to attain these weapons.

    By Blogger Steve V, at 1:13 PM  

  • "This is another example of the fundamental differences between myself and Stephen Harper."

    Notice how when Martin repeatedly uses lines similar to this, Harper just smiles and nods. Not only does it differentiate Harper from a corrupt/scandal-engulfed Martin, it also calms the fear that "all politicians are crooks".

    By Anonymous jhuck, at 1:16 PM  

  • 500000 lights sabers in the hands of collectors.

    Star Wars memorabilia is one break in away from being used in a crime!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:18 PM  

  • I think what is even funnier is that those 70,000 people in Australia claim they follow a fantasy religion... LOL

    In all seriousness, having a light sabre registry would be a total waste of time, since anyone that knows anythign about the Force knows you can tell when another Jedi is near...

    My phaser is okay, but those Kazon disruptors should be banned.

    By Blogger Glyn (Zaphod) Evans, at 1:21 PM  

  • All Harper has to do is lay a little Jedi-mind-trick on Martin's ass and Paul will reverse his position making himself look like a flip-flopper.

    By Anonymous Kiraly, at 1:22 PM  

  • PHOTON TORPEDOS:

    A photon Torpedo is a starship's main offensive weapon. Basically a tiny bit of antimatter which is compressed into a cigar-shaped projectile by gravitic-magnetic force fields. These force fields keep the antimatter from detonating until they have reached the indicated target. Once there, the force field dissolves and the anti-matter (normally in the 1 to 10 gram range) causes an explosion equal to a 20 to 200 kiloton nuclear device. ...
    www.etext.org/Zines/planet/pm3/bombard3.htm

    Yikes, who knew weapons in space would be so scary?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:30 PM  

  • Can't find LightSaber Registry. Please advise soonest.

    Spock

    By Anonymous Erik Sorenson, at 1:32 PM  

  • Keith Martin (Lib MP):

    Some "idiot" approved those military ads.

    Paul Martin: I approved those military ads.

    Is it transitive property that applies here?

    Anyhoo, could there be a doubt that Paul Martin is an idiot?

    By Anonymous Chuckles, at 1:33 PM  

  • FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

    JANUARY 11, 2006 - TANTOOINE - Our family has been pleased to learn of Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin's pledge to crack down on illegal firearms.

    Since the horrific and cold-blooded murder of our troubled son, Gweedo, the family has been lobbying glatic governments to take a hard stand on killers and thugs like a certain renowned freighter captain.

    Released by: Family & Friends of Gweedo

    By Anonymous Han Shot First, at 1:33 PM  

  • The Gaffi Stick, used by the Tusken Raiders, or Sand People, is a long rod with a mace attached to the end. It is seen in Episodes II and IV.

    What about minority rights?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:33 PM  

  • The energy sword is an ancient development in weaponry, consisting of a plasma charged blade powered by a power cell in the hilt, with a pair of Velmorite crystals used for focusing. While similar to the lightsaber of the Jedi Knights, the energy sword is not comparable in strength to the Jedi weapon, although it is deadly precise. Energy swords have mainly ceremonial uses: Velmorian duel traditions settled disputes with energy swords, and very elderly Jedi and Sith use these for ceremonies

    What about ceremonial weapons?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:35 PM  

  • Let me make this very, very clear. The fact is, Stephen Harper and I have very different values, I mean views when it comes to the Jedi religion. I support their minority rights to carry their lights sabers. If Stephen Harper is elected he will strip away their minority rights. Fundamentally, I am very opposed to this. He will hammer them with the notwithstanding clause...blah blah blah blah

    Bada Bing Bada Boom Just like that Martin is gone. Say those light sabers really do work.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:35 PM  

  • The bowcaster is the traditional weapon of the Wookiees. It is a common misconception that it launches energy bolts, like a blaster. However, it actually launches "quarrels", which are highly advanced crossbow bolts. The quarrels are surrounded by an energy cocoon while in flight, which gives them the appearance of extra-long blaster bolts. The cocoon gives them an extremely high stopping power. Wookiees can load their bowcasters with both standard and explosive tipped quarrels, and the bandolier across Chewbacca's chest likely holds both. The spring that powers the bowcaster is extremely hard to pull back, and humans are generally incapable of cocking a bowcaster. However, modern bowcasters seem to have an automatic cocking system, allowing any species to use them. These bowcasters are also capable of loading more than one quarrel into their chamber, giving them a shotgun-like effect.

    Think of the Wookies! Won't someone think of the Wookies!

    Han Solo

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:38 PM  

  • Wow, I had no idea that so many middle-aged, unemployed Dungeons and Dragons/Star Trek enthusiasts that still live in a converted loft above Mom's garage read political blogs. I better beam my ass out of here before before one of them probes me or uses a ray-gun to have their way with me.

    By Blogger Nathan Hewitson, at 1:42 PM  

  • Told ya it would happen!
    http://kinnyscomments.blogspot.com/2005/12/liberals-ban-light-sabres.html#links

    By Blogger Paul MacPhail, at 1:49 PM  

  • Tractor beams are used by ships to bring small ships into the docking bay of large vessels. They are used by large ships, such as Star Destroyers or even the Death Star, to snare smaller craft. Typically, tractor beam generators are too large for fighters or bombers to carry them.

    How long before CSL incorporates these on their ships?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:50 PM  

  • I'm very concerned about the use of the Vulcan death grip. Will Paul Marting commit to protecting Canadians by banning hands?

    By Anonymous David H, at 1:53 PM  

  • Change the name of your blog to Calgary-Tory, it's long past time.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:36 PM  

  • PM should keep his head on earthly matters. Didn't Mcguyver build a bomb with some pine cones? If a pine tree registry is too expensive, perhalps we can get the Libs to hire some of their Goaul buddies as consultants to engineer a bio-weapon that focuses only on conifers. "Dial up the star gate!"

    By Anonymous PaulB, at 2:40 PM  

  • Naw, keep the name Calgary Grit.

    Even though you admit to being one, this Tory-supporter will continue to visit your blog.

    It remains one of the most balanced blogs there is.

    John

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:49 PM  

  • Thank you. That was funny.

    By Anonymous Chris from Victoria, BC, at 2:51 PM  

  • How many alien votes do you suppose, Martin is attmepting to secure for the Fiberals? Perhaps the scandals and the corruption coverage has not been picked-up in Mars.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:59 PM  

  • What bothers me is that so many of our nation's political geeks turn out also to be Star Wars geeks. I sense a strong correlation here.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:26 PM  

  • "Star Wars Geeks", you obviously have read these posts and have responded soooo you have joined this company of "geeks".

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:37 PM  

  • Well I suppose I'm really in trouble, then, since I've got a lightsaber sitting less than 3 feet away from my computer. Oh well.

    The post made by Anon11:12am actually reminded me of something. Paul Martin does, in fact, look like Palpatine. They have the same facial features, just different hair. It's scary, really.

    By Blogger RGM, at 3:51 PM  

  • Anon 12:36: Look, I own a Liberal membership, I've volunteered on several Liberal campaigns this election, I've gone to fundraisers. And I'm fairly sure I'll vote Liberal this election.

    But Herle has made it impossible not to make fun of this campaign.

    I was plenty hard on Harper during his Glad as Hell tour, and I will be hard on him when he starts fucking up in government. But, right now, how could anyone with any credibility NOT take a few shots at Martin?

    By Blogger calgarygrit, at 3:59 PM  

  • Love it. This is hilarious. I especially like the Emperor
    Paulpoutine moniker....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:00 PM  

  • except our martin is the proverbial emperor with no clothers and liberals like cg, kinsella play the role of the kid who points it out.

    By Anonymous grey wall, at 4:04 PM  

  • except our martin is the proverbial emperor with no clothers and liberals like cg, kinsella play the role of the kid who points it out.

    By Anonymous grey wall, at 4:05 PM  

  • Martin = Emperor

    Any bets on when we see lightning bolts from martin's fingers during this campaign flop?

    Too funny!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:15 PM  

  • Just for clarification. I bought my son a toy lightsaber for Christmas (I mean "the holidays"). Do I have to throw it away or does this new law only apply to real lightsabers?

    By Blogger ferrethouse, at 4:33 PM  

  • Ferrethouse, I think as long as your lightsaber is less than 6 inchs long, it's ok to carry concealed... anything over that has to be worn out in the open.

    Conservatives never conceal their weapons. We like to let them hang out.

    By Anonymous JoeCalgary, at 4:53 PM  

  • Blogger Power in the election.

    The fact more media, bloggers and former strong Liberal supporters are starting to laugh at Mr. Martin can not bode well for the campaign.

    Today, the Asper family basically dumped 'team martin'.

    Life in the Liberal war room must be incredible.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:59 PM  

  • Anne McLellan: "...nobody approved this ad."

    Keith Martin: "...some idiot approved this ad."

    Prime Minister Paul Martin: "...I approved this ad."

    Members of our government.

    Seriously.

    In Canada.

    You can't make this stuff up.

    By Anonymous springer, at 5:04 PM  

  • Springer; Keith Martin and Paul Martin's statements aren't exactly contradictory.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:33 PM  

  • What about steak knives?

    All Canadians are just one break in away from being knifed in the back in our sleep by burglars accessing our unproperly stored weapons .....

    I am not making this up, I heard Paul Martin talking about this during the debate....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:03 PM  

  • Bart, which riding do you live in?

    Campaigning for the Liberals in Calgary must especially suck...

    By Blogger Toronto Tory, at 7:36 PM  

  • A responsible campaign braintrust would on Tuesday night, apologised for those disgusting ads.

    Instead, the Martin brain-trust have taken the approach they know better than all Canadians.

    It is Thursday night, the Liberal ad was the major topic on Mike Duffy's Countdown again tonight.

    Anne McLellan was caught in the crosshairs tonight and did a horrid job of defending the ad and the decision.

    An apology would have shut this down.

    Arrogance has given it days and days of legs and there is no end in sight.

    Tired.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:42 PM  

  • Ahh thank goodness I'm not the only person around who was thinking "this guy sure is going overboard with his 'banning'".

    BANNING Liberal party members for life, BANNING already banned handguns, BANNING weapons in space, BANNING the notwithstanding clause. BAN BAN BAN. Someone needs to BAN Dithers from opening his mouth.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:52 AM  

  • So, uh... no launching banned handguns into space then huh...

    SPACE WEAPON: beam preston mannings voice over earth -- canadians would be the only ones to stand it!

    By Blogger Mr finch, at 5:15 AM  

  • Martin announces a ban on blogging!
    Current Prime Minister was quoted today, "Bloggers have been causing the Liberal party nothing but trouble. It will be the number one priority of a new Liberal government to immediately ban blogging. Neo-Conservative Star-Wars-loving crazy nut-bag bloggers will be investigated by the CRTC and brought to trial."

    By Blogger seismicdeath, at 2:39 PM  

  • Martin announces a ban on the colour blue!

    In addition to the previously announced ban on blogging by current PM Paul Martin, the Liberals have announced a ban on the colour blue, due to the association with the Conservative Party of Canada. A Liberal stratigist was heard to say, "Blue represents the greatest threat in our country today. There will be no provinces painted blue. The number one priority of a new Liberal government will be to immediately ban this hated colour, blue."

    By Blogger seismicdeath, at 2:57 PM  

  • Paul Martin is not to be underestimated !!!

    He has cleverly used his mastery of political obfuscation to divert all of you from the REAL THREAT... Idiotic, Crazed & Demented Politicians, who are determined to pass enough laws until EVERYTHING is ILLEGAL.

    Then, politicians will have total control over you, because EVERYTHING you do will be ILLEGAL, and they can lock you and their other opponents up for... ANYTHING.

    By Blogger Owhn, at 4:41 AM  

  • Paul Martin should not to be underestimated !!!

    He has cleverly used his mastery of political obfuscation to divert all of you from the REAL THREAT... Elitist, Idiotic, Crazed & Demented Politicians !

    Politicians who are determined to pass enough laws until... EVERYTHING IS ILLEGAL.

    Then, politicians like Paul Martin will have total control over you, because EVERYTHING you do will be ILLEGAL, and they can lock you and thier other opponents up for... ANYTHING.


    Lord Save Us From the Do-Good'ers !!!

    By Blogger Owhn, at 4:43 AM  

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