Tuesday, March 18, 2008

No Wonder Harper's Trying To Sabotage Them...

It appears that Obama has tackled the race issue head on, which means we're back into the "first black President" versus "first female President" debate (or "bitch President", as SNL eloquently put it).

However, the proper debate would be "first non-fictional black President" versus "first non-fictional female President". Because, through the magic of Hollywood, Americans have lived through several black and female presidencies...many more engaging than some recent terms in office. While the common consensus is the United States are ready for a black or female President, a quick look at history should really make Americans reconsider:

President Tom Beck
During his Presidency, much of the Eastern United States was destroyed after a meteor hits the earth. Some historians argue that President Beck wasn’t responsible for the asteroid hitting the United States. Well, I’d like to remind them that the president from Armageddon, who was white, also faced an asteroid threat and defeated it.

President David Palmer
During his Presidency, the United States was a frequent terrorist target, with a nuclear bomb exploding on US soil and dangerous biologically engineered viruses being unleashed against US citizens. How bad was his term in office? Well, upon retirement he was forced to sell insurance! Even Nixon had a more respectable post-Presidency.

President Wayne Palmer
During the 11 hours that Americans experienced of his presidency, suicide bombings rampaged the United States and a nuclear bomb exploded in Los Angeles. Starting to see the pattern here? And how did he respond to this? Well, he didn’t. Instead he slipped into a coma and let Vice President Daniels, a white man, solve the problems he’d created.

I think the pattern is starting to become abundantly clear. If you want death and destruction, then by all means, vote Obama! But for all you Hillary fans out there, your gal’s predecessors don’t have a very strong record either:

President Mackenzie Allen
At least the people at ABC were smart enough to recognize that Americans would never elect a female President – she took office after the death of the President. And how successful was her Presidency? Well, it was cancelled after one year. Even Hoover lasted four.

President Helen Lasker
The President in Carl Sagan’s "Contact" - however in the movie version she was replaced with footage of Bill Clinton. A female President who, once elected, gets replaced by Bill Clinton? Gee, where have I heard that story before?

President Barbara Adams
From the 1986 film "Whoops Apocalypse". According to the best Presidential historian of them all, wikipedia: Succeeds to presidency upon death of the previous president. Her incompetence helps cause World War Three. 'nuff said.

President Leslie McCloud
Also found on wikipedia, the president in 1964’s very progressive "Kisses for My President". She was America’s first female President, who later resigns due to pregnancy. You know who wouldn’t resign due to pregnancy? A male president, that’s who.
(Although, if they let foreign born citizens run...)

President Lisa Simpson
After sinking the economy, what’s her solution? Raise taxes! And, hey, let’s blame the whole failure of her presidency on a man (in this case, her brother). How typical.

Tally it up, and I think it becomes obvious that America cannot afford either the abject failure a female Presidency would turn into, or the horrific disasters that would be to certain plague an African American’s term in the White House. While I’m not sure what the track record of really really old Presidents is, it can’t be nearly this bad. I hope that Americans will consider this, come November.


  • I'd just like to point out that you mentioned Wayne Palmer, but included a picture of President David Palmer, his older brother, whose presidency was, in 24 terms at least, much more successful.

    By Blogger Brandon E. Beasley, at 12:17 a.m.  

  • Sorry, Dan, but the Onion beat you to it.

    By Blogger Josh, at 1:00 a.m.  

  • Shades of George Bush Jnr. Reality is stranger than fiction.

    By Michael Cooper
    Wednesday, March 19, 2008
    JERUSALEM: Senator John McCain's trip overseas was supposed to highlight his foreign policy acumen, and his supporters hoped that it would showcase him in a series of statesmanlike meetings with world leaders throughout the Middle East and Europe while the Democratic candidates continued to squabble back home.
    But all did not go according to plan on Tuesday in Amman, Jordan, when McCain, fresh from a visit to Iraq, misidentified some of the main players in the Iraq war.
    McCain said several times in his visit to Jordan — in a news conference and in a radio interview — that he was concerned that Iran was training Al Qaeda in Iraq. The United States believes that Iran, a Shiite country, has been training and financing Shiite extremists in Iraq, but not Al Qaeda, which is a Sunni insurgent group.
    McCain said at a news conference in Amman that he continued to be concerned about Iranians "taking Al Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back." Asked about that statement, McCain said: "Well, it's common knowledge and has been reported in the media that Al Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran. That's well known. And it's unfortunate."
    It was not until he got a quiet word of correction in his ear from Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut, who was traveling with McCain as part of a congressional delegation on a nearly weeklong trip, that McCain corrected himself.

    By Blogger JimTan, at 2:14 a.m.  

  • Your trying a little two hard to gain an American audience.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:30 a.m.  

  • Ha ha - good stuff.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:15 a.m.  

  • brandon; Believe me, I know my 24...David just got formated down a bit below.

    josh; grr...I've had this one in draft form for a long time too. Funny article though - thanks for linking.

    By Blogger calgarygrit, at 10:15 a.m.  

  • This was genius.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:34 a.m.  

  • Well, who actually votes?

    And who is seen as the "best" candidate.

    Given the population i'd say the most likely outcome will be by experience, race and gender in that order.

    By Blogger Unknown, at 10:50 a.m.  

  • Never mind the dismal record against the terrorists; President David Palmer also can't hit a curveball, and drove the getaway car in a major bank heist once.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:27 p.m.  

  • There have also been scenes in which a woman as Vice President declines to usurp the office, while still acting in the Executive capacity.

    By Blogger Paul, at 5:09 p.m.  

  • And let's not forget the female president who was in charge when the Yellowstone caldera erupted and reduced global average temperatures by 10'C. Mind you, I suppose you could say that she did solve Global Warming.

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