The Envelope Please
With these awards there are no commercials, no dresses that cost more than you make in a year, no over-rehearsed demonstrations of spontaneous joy, no pre-game show hosted by Ben Mulroney, and no love-in of actors and actresses heaping mounds praise upon each others. It’s not that I wouldn’t have liked to do these things, they just fell victim to Harper's culture cuts.
Instead, these awards will be present in a short post which should likely take you less than four hours to read.
Best Picture: I asked readers to vote on the five nominees back in December. And, as is always the case at the Oscars, cleavage won the day.
Actor in a Leading Role: Pierre Polievre, for his performance in The Curious Case of Pierre Polievre. Against all odds, this Tory MP seems to grow less and less mature as he ages.
Actress in a Leading Role: Julie Couillard, for her performance in Sex and the City. When Mr. Big leaves his NATO briefing book at her apartment, all hell breaks lose!
Directing: Stephen Harper, for the movie “Canada”. Interestingly, “Canada” bears a striking similarity to the movie “Australia” – in some cases, entire scenes appear copied word for word.
Foreign Language Film: The Incredible Hulk. Mild mannered and geeky Stephane Dion undergoes a transformation, threatening to bring down the Tory government. You wouldn’t want to see Stéphane when he’s angry! Tragically, like most Hulk movies, this one bombed.
Film Editing: Hillary Clinton, for adding sniper fire in post-production on Hillary Visits Bosnia.
Sound Mixing: The Debt-Files - I Want to Believe. Far right Conservatives must cope with Stephen Harper’s budget, wanting to believe he’s still one of them.
Sound Non-Editing: Tom Zytaruk, for Zytaruk/Harper
Visual Effects: The Visitor. An entire country goes absolutely insane for a week, fawning over a dark and handsome visitor who takes a day trip there.
Documentary Short: Definitely, Maybe. Jim Flaherty’s ever-evolving answer on whether or not we’re going into deficit.
Documentary Feature: Doubt. Patrick Muttart and others, contemplate Stephen Harper’s re-election chances.
Actors and Actresses in a Very Very Very Supporting Role: To the Stephen Harper Cabinet for their performances in Yes Man.
Makeup: As always, Stephen Harper’s stylist comes out on top.
Costume Design: To the Tory campaign team, for tracking down a Blue Sweater Vest.
Short Film (Animated): Lavatory-Lovestory. A documentary on the life and times of Larry Craig. [And, yes, this was the actual title of an Oscar nominated film]
Animated Feature Film: RALPH-E. Set in the near future, a robotic being is the last Liberal left on the Prairies…can he find a companion? [spoiler alert: no]
Writing (Adapted Screenplay). Northern Thunder. A producer plans to re-enact the battle of the Plains of Abraham. When a bunch of high-paid prima donna politicians are unexpectedly thrown into the battle, hijinx ensue.
Writing (Original Screenplay): The Changeling. When the small government Reformer Stephen Harper becomes a Keynesian deficit spender overnight, many begin to wonder if this is actually their Prime Minister, or if he has been replaced.
See Also – 2007 Political Oscars