To My Conservative Peeps and Hommies

Although Stephen Harper is trying to be cool, let’s keep in mind that it could be a lot worse. Courtesy of the Universal Translator, here are key extracts from the “English to pimp” translation of Paul Martin’s famous “beg for mercy” speech this April and Harper’s response to it.


Prime Minister Paul Martin:

Good evening.

Ah want to talk to yo' ass directly tonight – about da problems in da sponsorship program; about how I’ve responded to 'em as yo' prime minister; 'n about da timin' of da next general election.

Let me speak plainly: what happened wid da sponsorship file occurred on da watch of a Liberal government n' shit. Those who wuz in powa be to be held responsible, man. And dat includes me.

Ah wuz da Minista of Finance, know what I'm sayin'? Knowin' what I've learned dis past year, Ah be sorry dat we weren’t 'mo vigilant - dat Ah wasn't 'mo vigilant, know what I'm sayin'? Public money wuz misdirected 'n misused, man. That’s unacceptable, man. And dat be why Ah apologized to da Canadian muthas a year ago.

Let me emphasize dat point: if so much as a dollar be found to has made its way into da Liberal party from ill-gotten gains, dat shit gots to be repaid to da muthas of Canada, man. Ah want naw part of dat money.

For dat reason, Ah commit to yo' ass tonight dat Ah gots to call a general election within 30 days of da publication of da commission’s final report 'n recommendations n' shit. Let Judge Gomery do tha dude's work, know what I'm sayin'? Let da facts come out, know what I'm sayin'? And then da muthas of Canada gots to has they say.

If da Opposition forces an election before then, dat be they choice n' shit. But Ah believe we can do better n' shit. Ah believe we can – 'n we should – use da comin' months to pursue da public’s business, know what I'm sayin'? To act on da issues dat matta most to yo' ass 'n make a difference in yo' life.

If we be to has an election, one dat gots to be at least in part about da work of Judge Gomery, surely dat election should occur only when we has da work of Judge Gomery.

In closing, let me say this: there be muthas who think Ah wuz wrong to call dis inquiry, wrong to expose ma government to da political cost of da scrutiny dat has ensued, man. They warn we gots to pay a price in da next election n' shit. And perhaps we will.

But Ah trust yo' judgment, man. And Ah gots to not dishonour dis office by tryin' to conceal or diminish such offensive wrongdoing n' shit. Ah has 'n all much respect fo dis place.

When Ah wuz young, Ah practically lived here in da Parliament Buildings n' shit. My fatha wuz a cabinet minista in four Liberal governments, know what I'm sayin'? Tha dude taught me dat those who serve in public office has a duty to protect da integrity of government.

My pledge to yo' ass tonight be dat Ah gots to live up to dat ideal, know what I'm sayin'? Ah went into public life because Ah believe in da phat dat government can do, man. And Ah gots to do ma all as Prime Minista to make sure dat yo' government be worthy of yo' respect.

Da final judgment on whetha Ah has done dat gots to be yours.

Tank you, man. And phat night.



The Honourable Stephen Harper:

My fellow Canadians.

We has all just witnessed a sad spectacle -- a prime minista so burdened wid corruption in tha dude's own party dat tha dude be unable to do tha dude's job 'n lead da country, a party leada playin' fo time, beggin' fo anotha chance.

Dis be not how a prime minista should act.

A prime minista should not be addressin' da population on dis partisan issue, but ratha on da concerns 'n challenges wid which we be confronted: da health-care system, international trade, agriculture, da fiscal imbalance, safa communities, stronga families 'n a cleana environment.

Do Canadians mad believe dat da No n' shit. 2 muthafucka in a government now unda a cloud of corruption, be da person to clean up dat mess today?

Do Canadians mad believe dat da Gomery inquiry would be operatin' if da Liberals had won a majority?

And do yo' ass mad believe dat da Liberals gots to ultimately prosecute themselves 'n hold they own to account?

Ah don't believe that, know what I'm sayin'? Ah don't think yo' ass believe that.

Da Liberal Party has turned federal politics in Quebec into a choice between separation 'n corruption.

And one thin' be now clear -- da Liberal Party can naw longa speak fo federalism in Quebec.

Fellow Canadians, Mr n' shit. Martin's speech tonight wuz not about savin' dis country, man. Dat shit wuz about savin' da Liberal Party.

That's a question fo da voters to decide, but let me assure yo' ass there's naw needs to save dis country, know what I'm sayin'? There's only a needs to move dat shit forward.

Da Conservative Party wants to give dis country direction, know what I'm sayin'? We want, 'n we believe yo' ass want, to end corruption 'n restore honest financial management; to has a health-care system dat Canadians can count on when they needs it; to betta use da talents 'n credentials of new Canadians; to fix da fiscal imbalance plaguin' our provinces 'n municipalities; to act on a made-in-Canada plan fo cleana air, wata 'n land; to help our hard-pressed agricultural community 'n resource sectors; to give tax relief fo Canadian families; 'n safety 'n security fo our streets 'n our communities.

Ah look forward to sharin' all of dis wid you, 'n more, in da near future.

Tank you, 'n phat night.