Friday, July 08, 2005

Glad As Hell Tour '05

This summer we will witness Stephen Harper's transformation from a cold-hearted, scary fanatic with a hidden agenda to Steve, the lovable canuck who ladies want to dance with and men love to crack open a cold one and talk hockey with. As a special service, Calgary Grit will be keeping tabs on Harper's summer makeover so that Canadian voters can judge his worthiness as Prime Minister on such important factors as how frugal he is with mustard.

Every stop on the BBQ circuit will feature a recap and Harper's ranking on the human index; a scale ingeniously devised by myself where I determine how human he looked at the stop.

And, of course, I invite readers to send in pictures, news stories and fun personal anecdotes from your summer encounters with Harper (they don't even have to be true! Just like Stephen trusts Gurmant, I trust my readers). And slogans! Send me your slogans! I've settled on "Glad as Hell Tour" until something better comes along.

And, without further adieu, here's stop 1 on the Glad As Hell Tour!!!!!

July 4th, 2005

Location: Stellarton, Nova Scotia
Positives: Did not randomly break into the Star Spangled Banner, despite fourth of July celebrations
Negatives: Missed opportunity to visit Peter MacKay's potato farm and dog
Human Index: Johnny 5 - He's somewhat lovable and good intentioned but we all know he's still a robot

UPDATE: For those asking about the Human Index so that they can rate Harper themselves, here is the full scale:

1. 100% Human
2. Dick Cheney (we think he's human...but are we sure?)
3. Data (Looks human, tries to be human, is just an emotions chip away from the real thing)
4. Agent Smith (Looks human but is still a cold hearted killing machine)
5. Johnny 5 (Wants to be human, but it's abundantly clear he isn't)
6. Michael Jackson
7. Klingon


  • wow. 5, eh? His apron is pulled up WAY to high...

    By Blogger daveberta, at 1:57 PM  

  • You should publish the entire index so we can also rank him.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:19 PM  

  • Johnny 5.. that's cute. :)

    What's the next step up from Johnny 5? E.T.?

    By Blogger Toronto Tory, at 2:46 PM  

  • A friend of mine met Mr. Harper on the streets of Calgary yesterday and was able to stop and chat with him for a while. They talked Stampede, apparently. He was apparently quite "human" at the time :P

    By Blogger Andrew, at 2:59 PM  

  • No, still a robot. This week he's programmed to talk stampede.

    By Blogger Manatee, at 4:16 PM  

  • Nice to see you following Stephen's Tour so closely. The more people talk about him, the more Canadians will actually want to learn about him - from actual sources.

    Keep up the good work. Every little bit helps.

    By Blogger BBS, at 7:53 PM  

  • He'll need all the help he can get. Let's just hope no kids try to touch him during the tour. We know how well that goes over.

    By Blogger Brad, at 6:08 AM  

  • I've been saying this for years: get Harper drunk and on camera. The dude is funny. And aparently does killer impressions. C'mon young tories: only a spy-cam and a sixer of grasshopper stand between you and glory

    By Blogger matt, at 11:17 AM  

  • The audacity of the man, actually going out into the public to meet people one on one. What kind of way is that for a leader to act? Shouldn,t he be lounging on a foreign cruise ship in the carribean somewhere, thats the real mark of a countries leader....

    By Blogger DazzlinDino, at 2:48 PM  

  • "Shouldn't he be lounging on a foreign cruise ship in the carribean somewhere, thats the real mark of a countries leader"

    You mean, sort of like Ezra Levant, Lorne Gunter, Andrew Coyne, Colby Cosh, et al on the Western Standard Winter Cruise?

    By Blogger Cerberus, at 5:49 PM  

  • CG, as for slogans: how about "Dammit, I'm Happypolooza Festival"?

    By Blogger Cerberus, at 5:50 PM  

  • BTW, wrt to the "Hidden Agenda". I originally made this for the MSM, but it'll do for you guys as well. Wouldn't want you to look too hard searching.


    You can also find it @ Bound by Gravity - Right hand sidebar - red lettering - Hidden Agenda

    By Blogger BBS, at 1:23 AM  

  • "You mean, sort of like Ezra Levant, Lorne Gunter, Andrew Coyne, Colby Cosh, et al on the Western Standard Winter Cruise?"

    None of those people are running to be Prime Minister.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:31 PM  

  • re: "none of those people are running to be Prime Minister" - neither is Harper. Oh wait! He thinks he is? If he thinks that he actually has a shot at being PM, after all of his mess-ups, then that could only be a result of another Liberal conspiracy.
    If you asked Grits who they would most like to face in the next election, Harper would get a +90% rating. He's more popular with Grits than Tories, for God's sake.
    I say that we should all let him think he's running for PM. The shocked look on his face on election eve - the second time in less than two years - will be priceless.
    He is about as electable as Johnny 5.

    By Anonymous Grits for Harper, at 7:42 PM  

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