The Sky Is Falling

CALGARY: With Same Sex Marriage now legal for two days, Canadian society is feeling the full effects of this profound change. Already, preliminary reports show a large spike in gayness across the country.

“I had been on the fence for quite some time,” said one Red Deer man. “I’d stayed heterosexual because I wanted to get married but once that incentive was gone, I decided to become gay.”

Yes, as many conservative pundits feared, without the blissful nagging, fighting, and infrequent sex marriage has to offer as an incentive to stay straight, Canadians have abandoned the heterosexual lifestyle in droves.

More alarming still are the number of heterosexual marriages that have fallen apart in the 48 hours since Same Sex Marriage was legalized. “I do love my wife, but ever since C-38 became law, our marriage has been in shambles.” said one Calgary resident. “The stress of knowing that man on man monogamy exists in this country is just too much to handle.”

The new law has also made it difficult for many religions. “I’ve noticed a drop in the morality of our members.” claimed one Calgary area Bishop who refused to identify himself. “Our members just don’t know why they shouldn’t be allowed to sin when the government has condoned this sinful lifestyle. I mean, how can I really say that it’s wrong to steal, murder and commit adultery when it’s now perfectly legal for everyone who loves each other to marry? And, to be perfectly honest, it’s a little emasculating for the Church to not be able to prevent people who are not of our faith from marrying in civil ceremonies.”

With moral chaos now reigning across Canada and society crumbling around us, there has also been a dramatic rise in separatism in Quebec with recent polls showing 86% of Quebeckers wanting to leave due to this new moral bankruptcy. This has left many Canadians wishing they had heeded Stephen Harper’s warning about the separatist plot to legalize gay marriage.