Saturday, October 22, 2005

Take Tim Murphy. Seriously, take him.

Tonight was the parliamentary press gallery dinner, a time for politicians to poke fun at themselves (or, more specifically, for their speech writers to poke fun at their bosses). Since watching CPAC was how I spent my Saturday night, here are the highlights:


Host - Anthony Germaine

"Lucien Bouchard called. He told us that Mike Duffy just died."

"No one can impersonate Paul Martin...except Bob Newhart."

"It's no longer who do you know in the PMO? There's a new rhyme in the capital: Who's butt can you kiss at Earnscliffe?"


"How many Paul Martin advisors does it take to change a lightbulb? 13. Twelve to hold a five hour meeting on how to change the lightbulb, and one to call Terry O'Leary and ask how it's done."


Michaelle Jean

Jean is definitely a charismatic lady and a great speaker, but when Jack Layton gets more laughs than you, you know you're in trouble. She did pull out the lone Andre Boisclair joke of the evening:

"We'll either serve French food and wines or just put out sandwiches and coke for our guests, to save money. Well, if Andre Boisclair visits, we'll definitely serve coke."


Paul Martin

I'll admit it. Paul was actually funny. Yes, it was in a "my grandpa isn't as funny as he thinks he is" kind of way, but he was funny nevertheless. His recap of Belinda's defection was definitely the highlight of the evening, even if his "rap talk" was a little scary.

"I haven't seen this many people from CanWet in one room since the annual meeting of the Fraser Institute."

"I sat down for 20 hours with Paul Wells...but he only turned the tape recorder on when he was talking."


"Now at this juncture, let me mention my father in an obligatory and awkward fashion."
-Paul, while pretending to address the nation on national TV

"David called and he said Belinda was totally thinking of crossing over and I was, like, NO WAY, and he was, like, YES WAY, she's totally thinking of crossing over, and I was like, NO WAY!"
-Paul, recounting his call when told Belinda was talking about crossing over. Proof that Scott Feschuk reads Paul Wells.

"Belinda was, like I totally want to be in Cabinet. And I was, like, duh, obviously."
-Paul, later.


Stephen Harper

Rumour is Harper wrote his own speech and, if that's true, I must say I'm really impressed. The guy was, as always, the best of the bunch...if only he could transform these brief glimpses of humanity into a personality Canadians could get behind.

This year, Harper added Brian Mulroney and Preston Manning to his impression collection but the highlight was, of course, his McCallum.

"I almost didn't come, I thought the audience would be hostile but luckily my party members couldn't make it."

"I'm actually really excited to be here...this is how I look when I'm excited. I'm probably the only person in the room who looks like his passport photo."

"I see a lot of new faces in the room...most of them are my staff."

"I'm not the life of the party. During this summer, I'd get up and leave during the middle of the BBQs and no one would notice. Sort of like the CBC."

"Mr. Chretien wore a fox hat to his first Stampede. When his staffers told him he needed to go to the Calgary Stampede, he said 'Calgary? Where da faucks 'at?
(imagine this in a thick Chretien accent...it might take a second...got it?)


Jack Layton

Layton admited candidly "there's nothing funny about the NDP". So he axed the speech in favour of some guitar and vocals. I must say, he's actually a pretty good singer and got a few good lines off during his song parodies. Hopefully the clips will find their way to the net somewhere.



But, after all of this, the line of the night belonged to Brian Mulroney, live via satellite. After a lengthy Prime Ministerial greeting, Mulroney deadpaned:

"Peter Newman, go fuck yourself"



UPDATE: You can see the full video here. CTV also has a few clips up here (including a link to yours truly).

15 Comments:

  • That was amazing, it was a pretty good show. I was pissed off that CPAC said it would start at 9pm it didn't start till around 9:50 all those press latecomers. I think the PM did the best, poor guy no one laughed at his gangsta imitations although they sucked but all those guys were old farts who didn't know gangsterism existed, youth apathy.
    Harper did good he ahd some good one liners, the John McCallum imitation was amazing so was Brian Mulroney's. He did a really really poor job with Preston Manning's voice, he did better last year. p. Manning says"reeson" for "reason."
    Jack was pretty good, saddened he didn't bring up the post secondary issue like all the time. Not bad, the MC Anthony Germaine was really good too.
    My most memorable thought was Mulroney, I really felt sorry for the guy, poor guy he's become so mcuh older and weaker, but he's still profane, I don't remember Mulroney that well but my dad said you shouldn't feel sorry for him...
    Anyways I wrote a book now, sorry guys thought I'd give my two cents on this..

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:29 AM  

  • i think the others likely got more laughs than jean because theyre generally more sanctimonious on a regular basis, so the jokes seem more unpredictable.

    i think the boisclair line was the best. harper should have worn the cowboy suit.

    By Blogger angela, at 1:46 AM  

  • the ndp gets funny points for the jack-o-layton:

    carve your own!

    By Blogger angela, at 5:16 AM  

  • Jean's "I'm hot!" was pretty funny and got a big laugh.

    I do think she could have gotten a bit more mileage out of the separatist stuff than she did. "I separated from the CBC" was just lame - there had to be a better punchline there.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:55 PM  

  • I thought the idea of the press gallery dinner was to poke fun at oneself, not take pot shots at your political enemies.

    Now, I counted six jokes in Harper's speech, which he "borrowed" from other people. Well, if Harper did write his own speech, that means policy platform ideas aren't the only thing the Conservatives are stealing from other people. Rodney Dangerfield must be spinning in his grave.

    Lastly, here's how you do a "polling" joke:
    According to Harper--as Manning--68% of Canadians favoured "some-sex" marriage. The reason it stopped at 68%, is because an extra point would have sounded too much like a good time and that's what the CPC are fighting against.

    By Anonymous Paul Raposo, at 6:57 PM  

  • Dammit...I watched Sex and the City reruns, when I could have been watching this!

    I can't believe that you're stuck watching CPAC on Saturday nights though Bart...you've got a very witty sense of humour.

    Mlle. B.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:17 PM  

  • CG,

    I agree with your take for the most part, though I probably would have given the PM the best of the night spot, if only for the Belinda segment. Harper's was more regularly funny and less cringe inducing than Martin's (Rhyme Minister?), but I didn't think Harper's hit that perfect large outburst moment ala "Well DUH!".

    One correction though. Anthony Germaine did a good Boisclair joke as well when addressing Jean Charest.

    (paraphrased)

    "Premier Charest, you must be so upset that Andre Boisclair is out on the campaign. Means you won't be getting the gay coke snorting seperatist vote.

    *laughs*

    But I guess you do receive the francophone federalist votes, so these things all even out, huh?

    *bigger laughs*"

    Jean was okay for a rookie, but my anglo-ass found that her heavy usage of french threw off the pace and timing of the jokes.

    Layton was solid and original. The mention of the Green Party was pretty good.

    By Blogger The Hack, at 12:04 AM  

  • Just a quick update. I had to take the complete video down for now. It was almost 100mb and between Sunday and today I've chewed through about 25 gig of bandwidth. If possible, I'll try to free up some space on another server and shift the file.

    By Blogger BBS, at 9:28 AM  

  • Scott Reid wrote Martin's speech - Feschuk doesn't work there anymore.

    By Blogger Don, at 1:25 PM  

  • If anyone knows where I can get the full video that BBS had up I'd appreciate a link. Would like to see Layton's performance (they only have short clips on CTV) as well as the comments by the MC.

    Thanks!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:40 PM  

  • QuebecHarpermaniac says:

    Layton sucked.

    Harper scored.

    Martin was pretty funny.

    Jean is hot (and funny).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:29 PM  

  • Don - Reid acknowledged on CTV's Question Period that Feschuk had a hand in the speech.

    By Blogger The Hack, at 6:16 PM  

  • On Question Period they also credited Harper's speech to Jim Armour so I guess he didn't do it himself.

    Hack; I tend to agree with you. The "dear diary" segment was the funniest of the night, but Harper didn't really have any jokes that flopped (Martin was a lot more hit-miss). I thought all three leaders were really solid, unlike last year when you'd obviously rank them 1. Harper, 2. Martin, 3. Layton.

    I missed Germaine's Boisclair joke...pretty funny.

    By Blogger calgarygrit, at 6:28 PM  

  • I did not watch. However, the following line from Stephen Harper deserves mention.

    Buckets of Grewal: "Harper added that the reason why Tory MP Gurmant Grewal missed the gala was because he was "at home taping the hockey game for his boss" and "editing it to make sure his team won."

    By Blogger Koby, at 8:59 PM  

  • It won't truly have success, I suppose this way.

    By Anonymous www.pontevedra-3d.com, at 1:55 PM  

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