Take Tim Murphy. Seriously, take him.

Tonight was the parliamentary press gallery dinner, a time for politicians to poke fun at themselves (or, more specifically, for their speech writers to poke fun at their bosses). Since watching CPAC was how I spent my Saturday night, here are the highlights:


Host - Anthony Germaine

"Lucien Bouchard called. He told us that Mike Duffy just died."

"No one can impersonate Paul Martin...except Bob Newhart."

"It's no longer who do you know in the PMO? There's a new rhyme in the capital: Who's butt can you kiss at Earnscliffe?"

"How many Paul Martin advisors does it take to change a lightbulb? 13. Twelve to hold a five hour meeting on how to change the lightbulb, and one to call Terry O'Leary and ask how it's done."


Michaelle Jean

Jean is definitely a charismatic lady and a great speaker, but when Jack Layton gets more laughs than you, you know you're in trouble. She did pull out the lone Andre Boisclair joke of the evening:

"We'll either serve French food and wines or just put out sandwiches and coke for our guests, to save money. Well, if Andre Boisclair visits, we'll definitely serve coke."


Paul Martin

I'll admit it. Paul was actually funny. Yes, it was in a "my grandpa isn't as funny as he thinks he is" kind of way, but he was funny nevertheless. His recap of Belinda's defection was definitely the highlight of the evening, even if his "rap talk" was a little scary.

"I haven't seen this many people from CanWet in one room since the annual meeting of the Fraser Institute."

"I sat down for 20 hours with Paul Wells...but he only turned the tape recorder on when he was talking."

"Now at this juncture, let me mention my father in an obligatory and awkward fashion."
-Paul, while pretending to address the nation on national TV

"David called and he said Belinda was totally thinking of crossing over and I was, like, NO WAY, and he was, like, YES WAY, she's totally thinking of crossing over, and I was like, NO WAY!"
-Paul, recounting his call when told Belinda was talking about crossing over. Proof that Scott Feschuk reads Paul Wells.

"Belinda was, like I totally want to be in Cabinet. And I was, like, duh, obviously."
-Paul, later.


Stephen Harper

Rumour is Harper wrote his own speech and, if that's true, I must say I'm really impressed. The guy was, as always, the best of the bunch...if only he could transform these brief glimpses of humanity into a personality Canadians could get behind.

This year, Harper added Brian Mulroney and Preston Manning to his impression collection but the highlight was, of course, his McCallum.

"I almost didn't come, I thought the audience would be hostile but luckily my party members couldn't make it."

"I'm actually really excited to be here...this is how I look when I'm excited. I'm probably the only person in the room who looks like his passport photo."

"I see a lot of new faces in the room...most of them are my staff."

"I'm not the life of the party. During this summer, I'd get up and leave during the middle of the BBQs and no one would notice. Sort of like the CBC."

"Mr. Chretien wore a fox hat to his first Stampede. When his staffers told him he needed to go to the Calgary Stampede, he said 'Calgary? Where da faucks 'at? (imagine this in a thick Chretien accent...it might take a second...got it?)


Jack Layton

Layton admited candidly "there's nothing funny about the NDP". So he axed the speech in favour of some guitar and vocals. I must say, he's actually a pretty good singer and got a few good lines off during his song parodies. Hopefully the clips will find their way to the net somewhere.



But, after all of this, the line of the night belonged to Brian Mulroney, live via satellite. After a lengthy Prime Ministerial greeting, Mulroney deadpaned:

"Peter Newman, go fuck yourself"



UPDATE: You can see the full video here. CTV also has a few clips up here (including a link to yours truly).