Monday, May 17, 2004

Advice for Stephen Harper


Here's an article I wrote for freethought a few weeks back.

----------------------------------------------


Prime Minister Stephen Harper? A year ago, I figured I’d be saying President Kucinich, Stanley Cup Champion Blue Jackets or Pope Spears before I uttered those four words. Stephen Harper may be the most boring person ever to, well, exist, but the guy is poised for greatness. Hell, I don’t even like him and I’ll concede there’s a good chance he’ll be Prime Minister within five years. He can get that job a lot sooner if he follows these five simple pieces of advice.


1. What good is family if not for cheap photo-ops?

Stephen Harper has a six year old son, a four year old daughter and a fairly good looking wife. Then why, oh why, isn’t he doing what any sane man would do and shamelessly use them to further his political career? This guy can engineer the take-over of Canada’s oldest party but he can’t understand that TV cameras like fathers holding their cute, four year old daughters. Stevie – The Liberals are going to try and paint you as “Stockwell Day: The Sequel”, a cruel inhuman monster with no feelings. Playing soccer in the park with your kids (after someone anonymously tips off the media to this) would do wonders to fighting this. Go to a Flames game with your son – show you’re a normal guy. I picture Paul Martin as more of a “hey, let’s read some Tolstoy!” than a “Go Flames Go!” type of guy – use it to your advantage.

2. Vive le Canada!

Paul Martin’s new Quebec Lieutenant co-founded the Bloc Québécois. Now, in Jean Lappierre’s defense, he can’t remember how he voted in the referendum (Good GOD! Does anyone in Ottawa remember ANYTHING?!?!), but there are federalists from coast to coast who might not like it that Paul’s in bed with the separatists. So Stevie – stand up in the House of Commons and ask Paul if he still supports the Clarity Bill. You won’t win any seats in Quebec no matter what you do but you might skim a few federalist votes off of the Liberal total and cost them a seat or two. Best of all, people outside Quebec will be relieved to know that at least one party still believes in a strong, united Canada.

3. 30 seconds to glory

If the cheesy Jamaican accent commercials aren’t your thing, then here’s all you need to do:

Contracts to Earnscliffe…60 million dollars
HRDC boondoggle…1 billion dollars
Gun Registry…2 million dollars…err…1 billion dollars
CSL government grants…130,000$...err…161 million dollars
Adscam Contracts…100 million dollars
Kicking the Liberals out of Ottawa…priceless!
There are some things money can buy. Unfortunately for Paul Martin, your vote is not one of them.


You deserve better – Canada deserves better. Vote Conservative.



There you go. Forget erasing the Canada/US border, this will go down as the greatest ad in Canadian political history. And even if you don’t like this add, the point is: hammer these guys on government spending and corruption at every opportunity.

4. Screw David Orchard

Make Peter MacKay your running mate. I know, I know – you’re dead set against two men being referred to as “mates” but it worked for the Chrétien/Martin ticket all those years and MacKay can keep your Maritime seats blue. Whatever you do, do not let Mike Harris campaign for you (although his people are welcome to). And do not get Ralph Klein’s endorsement! I can’t stress this enough. Tell him you’ll go public that he’s still off the wagon if he even thinks of endorsing you. This guy is like the Canadian Al Gore when it comes to endorsements.

5. “A campaign is no place for ideas”

Kim Campbell was crucified when she said it but take her advice Steve (she is after all one of the 50 greatest leaders in word history according to the National Geographic Society). Don’t discuss any ideas – especially when those ideas are things like private health care, abortion, the death penalty, referenda, recall, gutting of social programs, family “values”, or anything else from the Canadian Alliance playbook. Keep shouting out “Sponsorship Scandal”, “Earnscliffe”, “CSL”, and anything else that makes the Liberals appear corrupt. No one likes you Stephen – but they just might vote for you if you make the Liberals look bad enough. Hey, there’s another great commercial he could do: “I don’t like Canada much and Canada doesn’t like me…but at least I’m not Paul Martin!”.

There you go Steve – sound advice which even Conservatives can’t mess up. And make sure you know which way the Niagara River flows – you never know when that one could sink you

13 Comments:

  • Thought you would like this. extra cash

    By Blogger Mike, at 4:00 PM  

  • I have a health net cycling
    site. It pretty much covers health net cycling
    related stuff. Check it out if you get time :-)

    By Blogger Tom Naka, at 10:48 PM  

  • Wow what a cool blog you have here! I am impressed. You really put a lot of time and effort into this. I wish I had your creative writing skills, progressive talent and self- discipline to produce a blog like you did. Your blog really does deserve an honest compliment. If you have some time, stop by my site. It deals with stuff like, click here: making money online and then feel free to e-mail me with your words of wisdom.

    P.S. I'll sure put the word out about your site and I would appreciate any business you may send my. way... Later, Scott.

    By Blogger Scott A. Edwards, at 1:50 AM  

  • Get business grant money for business, personal use and more at business grant money you can start now and find money and for your needs.

    By Blogger mjfreeze, at 10:30 AM  

  • Great News! Anyone thinking about going into business for themselves, or wanting to expand an existing business should check out the world's largest source of business grants and government business loans.

    By Blogger mjfreeze, at 2:35 PM  

  • Great News! Anyone thinking about going into business for themselves, or wanting to expand an existing business should check out the world's largest source of business grants and government business loans.

    By Blogger mjfreeze, at 4:41 PM  

  • Get business grants for business, personal use and more at business grants you can start now and find money and for your needs.

    By Blogger mjfreeze, at 3:41 PM  

  • I have been looking for love and dating advice articles such as http://single-dating-service.org and I found this blog. It's really nice.

    By Blogger Kate, at 2:25 PM  

  • WOW, this is FANTASTIC...!!! Blog your AD to Millions. Post your AD for FREE and get MASSIVE traffic to your site. FREE to join. To get started fast, Click Here: home based business opportunity internet home business site. It pretty much covers home based business opportunity internet home business related stuff and it's FREE to join.

    By Blogger Scott A. Edwards, at 9:14 PM  

  • Dear friends, Now you can Fulfill your destiny! LordoftheHits is the lord of all exchanges. One exchange to rule them all!!! Hook up NOW with this exiting program. Click here: FREE INFORMATION

    By Blogger Scott A. Edwards, at 10:38 PM  

  • i wonder if you can get business loans to start up home based businesses?

    By Blogger Gene S., at 5:00 PM  

  • Looking back at your old post here.

    Absolutely sound advice, because that's pretty much exactly what Harper and Conservatives did in 2006 to win. They must have been reading this blog!

    By Blogger hatrock, at 12:34 PM  

  • Rolex’s tend to be a little bigger and flashier than some added Bell Ross brands, but of advance a Rolex is, literally, the gold accepted in accomplished gents Bell Ross Watches . Replica Bell Ross can be slimmer and a added chaste appearance of Replica Bell Ross Watches if the man you are cerebration of brand to abrasion nice things, but brand to accumulate it low key.

    By Blogger wangzi, at 2:26 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home